August 31, 2012

Secondary Infertility

I have been so blessed with three children.  Being a mother is my dream job.  I’ve always wanted a big family, since I was little.  At least four kids, maybe five or six, of course depending on how many I feel like after each one is added and how Dillon feels.  My children are wonderful, challenging, and everything to me. 

Dillon and I have been trying for 2 years to have another baby.  I do not want this post to be offensive to anyone, and my prayers and heart truly go out to those who struggle with much more difficult things when trying to add even one child to their family.  If you are one of those people, I cannot imagine going through what you do, and you are amazing. 

I do not ignore the fact that this time has not been near as long as some people wait.  I do not ignore the fact that I have three children already.  I do not ignore the fact that I have never known the extreme heartache of never having a child.  I don’t ignore the fact that I’ve never known the rollercoaster of emotions and hardships during the adoption process.  I have cried tears of sorrow during heartache and tears of joy for dreams reached—these tears for those close to me struggling with adding children to their family.  I do not know the devastating loss of a pregnancy or a child.  I AM BLESSED.  I do know that. 

I do feel peace.  I do feel blessed beyond what I deserve.  I do feel extremely happy with my family.  I do recognize that this trial does not compare to some and is not as hard as it most definitely could be.  I look at my children and thank Heavenly Father that I’ve been able to have them.  Oh, how I know I’m blessed.  I know I could possibly not have another baby and be perfectly happy because my life is amazing.

I do have hard times every now and then.  I ache at times with longing for another child.  Through tears I watch commercials for hospitals showing newborn and maternity care.  I hold another’s newborn baby and as they look up at me, I remember my other three looking up at me and I desire to have that just one more time.  I hear of a friend’s infertility and I cry for her, even though she has two children, because I know how she is hurting.  I feel guilty that I even think it’s a trial.  I feel guilty that I don’t treat my children better and then feel like maybe it’s God’s way of telling me I don’t deserve more children.  Those are the worst thoughts of all.  And of course I know God doesn’t work that way and He is so good, but He does have something for me to learn through this—of that, I am sure.

I got pregnant right away with my first.  I got pregnant right away with my second.  So blessed, I know.  Poppy took a year and it felt like that was long, but looking back I realized it was the perfect timing.  So I trust.  I trust in God that things will work out.  He knows best and at one point in my life, whether we have another or not, I will have a better understanding and things will make sense.  God’s hand is in all things and I feel Him helping me and guiding me through this thing called secondary infertility.


33 comments:

  1. I completely understand your frustration and pain. I have 2 wonderful kids (10 & 6) and we really would like another.

    Sadly, I've had 3 major stomach surgeries and some health issues in the last 3 years that has prevented another blessing.

    It is heartbreaking :(
    I wish you good luck with yours!

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  2. Please! Do not minimize your pain and longing. We've been sold a lie in this modern age, and that is that children are a burden. But you know otherwise, and you are aching for what is natural, a marriage overflowing with a bountiful harvest. I don't know if you've sought any assistance to diagnose the trouble. There may be something that should be treated, even if you only think it is affecting your fertility, it might be more than that. I suggest seeking out the Pope Paul VI Institute, which specializes in treating the causes of infertility rather than trying to circumvent through artificial means. They will also understand why you need treatment even though you are thrice blessed already. If you are hesitant to take that step, you may look into the book Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition, which may have some dietary helps for you to try. Hugs from a mama of eight, who understands how valuable and precious each one is!

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  3. A big hug to you! Mother's suffering from secondary infertility often feel the need to qualify their suffering-- it's not necessary! Feeling longing for another child does not diminish your gratitude for what you do have. I hope everything works out for you. My very best wishes to your family.

    Palak

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  4. do not feel that you need to apologize to others for the pain you feel, each is an individual case and you are blessed but you allowed to feel sorry for this struggle as well, my thoughts and prayers go to you and your family in the hopes that you will have another child soon, you sound like a fantastic mother who has lots of love to give.

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  5. A very honest post. I also would love more children b ut even though there are no fertility issues, my son's severe developmental issue make it so hard to give any normalcy to the other two we have. We had to agree not to have more. I know how lucky I am to have what I have but I would be lying if I said I didn't ache for the huge family I imagined myself having. I am saying a prayer for you!

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  6. I think sadness is sadness no matter if you're working on the first or the 10th. We've been trying for two years to get pregnant with our first and I'm just so tired of it. It just sucks. I think it's mostly frustrating knowing how many people are going through the same thing. Ridiculous!

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  7. We are having the same problem. I have pretty much come to peace with it too...after four years of trying. I don't want my little one to go through life without a sibling but he just may have to.

    I'm sure you are a great mom and don't ever think God is punishing you. Maybe he is doing it for your protection. Maybe there is a reason you can't have another one. I have found when you push nature and God we don't always like the result. Then we stand there saying I just don't know why this happened. Does that make sense? Just remember whatever the results he has your best interest in mind ;) That's how I find peace in the whole situation.

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  8. This is your blog, your life, your feelings. Share away :-) We all have struggles of our own so thank you for sharing your personal ones with your readers! I had the opposite problem. I have 3 boys and the first 2 involved major surgeries and medicine to have. The 3rd was a total unplanned suprise and I was in such a state of shock! The doctor said my body finally got the hang of it on it's own LOL. I will send good luck and baby dust your way! Cindy

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  9. Praying for you sweet blog sister.

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  10. I too ache when I see a baby because I know that I probably will never have another child either. We had fertility/ectopic issues until I was 39. At that time we were in the finalizing steps of adopting 2 children at the same time when I found out I was pregnant. I have three healthy children now but still I have pangs for another. I am 44 so will not ever give birth to another. Thankfully, God is on the throne and knows exactly what I (one) needs. Blessings to you and remember that God knows the desires of your heart.

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  11. First of all, ditto to what everyone else has said - thank you for sharing honestly, do not minimize your own struggles or compare them to anyone else's. But also, have you seen a doctor?? I experienced secondary infertility as well, after getting pregnant with my first right away, and finally went to a RE after three years. He found the simple, easily corrected problem at our first visit. It's definitely worth checking into!

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  12. I've been reading your blog for a long time now and have never commented, despite loving your posts! I thought I'd throw the idea out there that maybe your thyroid is out of whack. My mom had that problem, and thankfully once that was regulated she was able to have 3 more children! :) I'm sure you've looked into a lot of stuff, but I figured saying it wouldn't hurt. ;)
    Blessings on your family!

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  13. Understanding always comes later, but don't loose your faith and consult a specialist! Hugs, Olga

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  14. Being a woman without a child of my own I cringe at topics like this. Yet you have put all the right things out there to acknowledge the variety of levels we are all at. I hope that you heal and that you find the peace in your situation. Love your babies ♥ and know that you may have grandbabies one day.

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  15. May I recommend something for you to read?
    http://www.humanumreview.com/publications/detail/hilgers-napro-technology-revolution
    It is a book by dr Thomas Hilgers.
    I experienced secondary infertility too. After 4 painful losses, we now have another beautiful 4 mo old! Dr Hilgers knows what he is doing.
    Many blessings to you. I dearly hope you find answers,
    Lisa

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  16. hugs! My hubby was told he'd never have any kids and then I got pregnant right away with Nicole. Then it took about two years for me to get pregnant with Olivia, we had actually started down the road of the adoption process. It is never easy. In hindsight two years was nothing, but it was forever in the middle of it. And then I got pregnant just one cycle after Olivia stopped nursing, we were shocked and even felt guilty for not having longed for and dreamed of another baby. But in the end everything was timed by the Lord in His infinite wisdom!

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  17. I do not reply much, but do enjoy your blog. But:
    You are going trough the same situation as i am. Feeling blessed with 3 wonderful boys. Longing for that fourth wonderful child. Struggeling with, guilt, I AM more than grateful for this 3 so I should not even consider nr 4.....the doubts...
    My english is not perfect; so I'm searching for the right words.
    I wanted to let you know, that you are not the only one. Good luck to you! Love, from Holland

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  18. It makes me sad that half of this post was you having to preface that other people have a harder time. It's okay! Other people also don't have homes and food to eat, but you don't have to feel guilty about the way you feel honey! I fell pregnant right away with my first, and I found it frustrating when it took almost a year for my little girl. My friend, after trying for three years to have a kid and being told she would not be able to, fell pregnant and now she has two kids!

    You'll get there darling, and when you do you will have the biggest cheer section waiting for you online :)

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  19. My heart goes out to you! No need to quantify your struggles....you are indeed blessed, but there is nothing wrong with desiring more blessings :) Thanks so much for sharing & being open on your blog. Don't know if you are interested or not, but I have used the methods described in "Taking Charge of your Fertility" to get pregnant with all 3 of my kiddos. It is an eye-opening book that helped me understand my body so much more. I only wish I would have read it sooner :) Prayers & hugs sent your way!!

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  20. You wrote a wonderful post and acknowledged several situations. Thanks for sharing. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the best for your family!

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  21. Hi Christie,
    I know how you feel and the frustration and hurt of not being able to get pregnant is so difficult. i just went through 18 months of this as we tried to add a 2nd child to our family. After some fertility treatment that was unsuccessful I began to go to fertility acupuncture and after 2.5 months of treatment I became pregnant. I would highly suggest seeking out a quality fertility acupuncturist in your area. If only for that fact that those weekly visits helped to preserve my sanity! Best of luck. I'm sure it will happen for you.

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  22. Love this post, I hope you are able to have another baby. As the Mom of 2 PERFECT adopted children I can understand wanting more.....when I didn't have one I would have seen red over this post (lol), but now that I am a MOM I totally get it. Everyone should be able to have as many children as they WANT...if only it just worked that way in real life:)

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  23. Thank you for sharing. I hope it all works out for you. I would have loved a third, unfortunately it was not meant to be.

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  24. Can I give you a cyber hug? I too have kept in similar feelings because all around me are people who have "bigger" struggles. It's so comforting to know that we have a Heavenly Father that understands our individuals pains.

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  25. It makes me so sad that you had to spend half of this post explaining yourself. You have every right in the world to be upset, and no one has any right to tell you otherwise. It's completely natural to want more children, and no one should say otherwise. I'm so sorry you have to struggle with that longing right now. I hope and pray that you will get your blessing soon =] But if not, I'm so glad that you are able to find some comfort in God <3

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  26. Love this post! I think you are a great mom and my heart goes out to you! Best of luck!

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  27. Hey it is okay! Life doesn't always work the way we want it too. Sorry for your pain and longing. I have friends and family that had two really easy and then they have no more, inspite of all their desires. I recall the frustration of having to wait for my last one, and the loss of a pregnancy in between. You are blessed with an awesome family, and I'm pretty sure Poppy doesn't mind getting most of your attention right now. If it is to be it will happen if not, pray for the ability to accept what ever is to happen? or guidance to know what to do...

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  28. Secondary infertility is heartbreaking. I think sometimes more so because sometimes you think, my body's done this before. Why can't it now? I have 4 beautiful children. Two miscarriages later and no more pregnancies thus far. It's hard. It took me 3 years before my first. Either way, it's hard. BIG hugs to you.

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  29. I am so sorry for your pain. I will pray that God makes a way where there seems to be no way. I am sure you are an amazing mom. May God truly bless you with a rich sense of His presence as you struggle with the pain of wanting and waiting! My first was hard to conceive, and we waited a long time. Chiropractic of all things helped us. My hips were off and pressing on my uterus. Just a thought in case you have any back or hip trouble. Blessings on your journey.

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  30. I have to second what so many others have said: no need to justify yourself for being disappointed in this trial! There will always be someone worse off than we are, but acknowledging your suffering does not diminish your gratitude.

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  31. Infertility is such a struggle, no matter how many children you have. We struggled to have our first, then figured out the problem and what to do about it with the second. When we were going through our struggles, we were counseled to be proactive about seeking the best medical help we could. It can be frustrating and expensive, and take longer than you think it should, but most of the couples I have known who have struggled with infertility have eventually found answers that worked for them. You will know what the right thing to do is, and when to do it. I don't know where you are in the process, but if you are looking for ideas on where to start, email me!

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  32. Gods timing is always the best timing your right. Im sorry your having to go through this...
    ill say a prayer for you

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  33. Thanks for sharing. I too have been struggling with secondary infertility for the last 4 years and know how painful it can be at times, even when at peace. I'm sorry you are going through this also.
    Sincerely, a new reader.
    Mim

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